There’s a lot to love about summer in New York – the rooftops, the beaches, the ice cream, the pool parties, the weekend getaways – but like any other time in this city, it’s not all rainbows and puppies and cupcakes and puppies eating rainbow cupcakes. In fact, sometimes it downright sucks.
Year after year, we swear we’re going to move to Alaska…but year after year we stay, trapped in a giant urban furnace, wondering if somehow global warming is happening here faster than anywhere else. There’s at least 93 awful things about summer in New York, but we’ll condense it down to 15… because if we have to type any more than that, we’ll probably die from heat exhaustion.
#1 Air that feels like blankets (aka the stifling humidity)
We are Ron Burgundy. Ron Burgundy is us.
#2 The crowded parks
Oh, so you had the brilliant idea of enjoying the weather with a picnic in the park? So did literally everyone else.
#3 The sweet aroma of sunbaked garbage and urine that saturates the streets
Image: Bill McChesney
There’s probably a New York City street under there. We’ll never know.
#4 The smelly people on the subway
Make that the “more than usually smelly” people on the subway. Public transportation is never the most enjoyable olfactory experience, but throw on all those layers of summer sweat and…next stop, Vomittown. Transfer available to the A, C, E, and Bleurghhhh.
#5 Constantly needing to remember sunglasses, sunscreen, and an umbrella
Image: Nathan W. Pyle/BuzzFeed
To be honest, after a weekend binge of Netflix and ordering Seamless, we’re lucky we can even remember pants when we leave the house. Also, everyone needs to read this before we’ll even consider going outside.
#6 The mosquitos
This is the actual size of a New York City mosquito. And you thought the rats were bad…
#7 The scorching hot subway platforms
If we wanted to steam in a sauna, we’d go to a spa. And get a massage first. And not be anywhere near someone who thinks a saw is an instrument.
#8 The freezing cold buildings
Can’t we be comfortable for just one single second of our day? Is that too much to ask?
#9 The overzealous cyclists in Central Park
Image: Charles Smith
This is not the Tour de France. You are not Lance Armstrong. If you don’t calm down, we will remove a testicle out of spite.
#10 The droplets of air conditioner “juice” falling on your face
At least we hope that’s what it is.
#11 Trying to figure out how to get an air conditioner up to your apartment
Not to mention trying to figure how how the hell that thing is supposed to stay in a window.
#12 Not being able to cook because any use of the stove or oven turns your apartment into a blistering hellscape
So this is what they mean by Hell’s Kitchen. If you need us, we’ll be here.
#13 The kids aren’t in school
Not only does that mean our once-safe streets and beloved parks are now overrun by ill-behaved brats, it also means it’s time for…
#14 Family vacations
MAKE IT STOP.
#15 The fact that we really don’t hate it at all
Image: Clemens v. Vogelsang
Just when you think you’ve had enough of this sweaty, smelly, sweltering season, you catch one gorgeous view from a rooftop and suddenly it all seems worth it. Besides, we know it’s only a matter of time before the city looks like this again.
[Featured Image: A. Strakey]