The subway can be a bleak place. There are the man-spreaders, the pole-hogs, and god help us all the when we hear those terrifying words: “Showtime!” Even talking about it all can put your teeth on edge. And who needs that? Teeth are important. We need them for stuff like eating pizza and wowing sexy peeps with our twinkling chompers.
Annoying people we meet on the subway are an unfortunate and permanent part of the subway package. But we can’t let them totally taint our appreciation of mass transit! Sure, it’s riddled with turds, but it does get us where we want to go quickly without being hindered by traffic or the weather. So sure, let’s continue to commiserate about the people we are forced to hurtle through space in a (sometimes stinky) metal tube with, but let’s grin while we do it.
For example, the jerks on the train are a whole lot less jerkish when they are represented by Australia’s most charming marsupial — THE QUOKKA! But don’t take our word for it. Read on and see if you can maintain a scowl when the city’s biggest train-offenders are portrayed by these tiny pouch-having cuties.
1. Train Eaters
When a human being loudly consumes an entire rotisserie chicken on the L it’s horrific. But a snacking Quokka on the train? TOO CUTE TO FUNCTION. GIVE IT MORE SNACKS, STAT.
2. Nosy Neighbors
When your neighbor tries to not subtly read over your shoulder it’s hard not to slap them in the mouth. But a nosy quokka? That is a gift that keeps on giving.
3. Crazy Kids
A loud child on a crowded train is an instant headache. A baby quokka who is too excited is a cure for headaches and most other illnesses. This is a fact.*
4. Bike Havers
People with bikes on train inspire rage. They’ve got bikes — why aren’t they using them instead of taking up ALL OF THE SPACE THAT THERE IS? Now, a quokka toddling onto the 6 with a bike, that would officially be the cutest thing of all time. Hopefully it also has a tiny helmet. Because safety is important.
5. Gross-Out Artists
People cutting their toenails, putting on their makeup, shaving, picking their noses — it’s too much to handle. Cue the gag reflex and choke back the chunks. But you know that if you saw a quokka licking the subway floor the only thing you’d have to choke back would be the urge to loudly go “AWWWWWWWWWW”.
*this is not a fact
[Featured: Ken and Nyetta]